My Corner

The final elimination round.... I blew it. People kept telling me it is going to be okay but I know it is time to give up when you have to wait for a miracle to happen. So I am just going to forget I got this far and forget that I passed the exam. Don't tell me: "you'll never know..." ... well, I know.

Recently my shoulders have been hurting quite a bit. My shoulders were damaged a long time ago when I was put under strong steroids and they have been bugging me for almost 15 years since. I have had some better days but I guess lately is one of those bad ones. I always wake up from this pain in the middle of the night and I can't even lift the blanket off myself. I am blaming the stress I am now going through and the gloomy weather. Even though the pain has been constantly there for the past 15 years and I have already accepted this is part of me anyways; I can't help but think why do I have to strive so hard to get better things for myself? They are all going to go away one day. When I'm already this "fragile" when I'm not even 30. What else can I do 10 or 20 years from now. I see myself ending up having artificial shoulders and in a wheelchair. Anyway, I don't know where I am heading to with this story... I guess I wanted to say for some reason, I am super edgy and moody recently and I can't quite explain why. I am having some problems controlling my emotions. I get agitated easily and of course, the situation at work is not helping. When the monsters attacked me at work, I really wanted to tell them: I quit. I don't understand why I have to put up with all this shit. And the worst of all, I tend to hurt the people I care the most when I am in a bad mood. And of course, that made me feel even more shitty because I really don't know why I did that. I know I can't blame the medications for giving me mood swings because I am not a kid anymore. I wish I could go back to the happy-go-lucky girl I was before.

sorry.

friday.
after that, it will be out of my control. i can only hope i will do well.

******

i was so wrong in believing that the holiday season will make those people more jolly. so wrong. sometimes, i wonder if you realize the words are not just in your head. they actually come out of your mouth and people can hear you.

i am going to start keeping notes of what i wanted to say to them but couldn't when they attack me. how can an office not be a dysfunctional one when 1/3 of the people are like germs and they spread their negativeness around making me feel sick like my head is going to explode.

two and a half more months of torture. at first, i don't want april to come soon because i will miss this place but on the other hand, it will be nice to just leave here and never see the crazies ever again.